Moules Marinières (Mussels in white wine)

I have to tell you this cautionary tale. It might just save you from making a fool of yourself some time.

Every now and again, I have to have the remainder of my hair cut, and Barbara’s hairdresser in St. Chinian is one of those unisex, or multi-sex or ambi-sex or whatever they call it, places that does men too. The last time Barbara went, she dragged me along too, accusing me of looking like an over the hill folk singer, so into this nest of vipers I went.

The girl who runs the place was snipping away and asking where I was from and what I did for a living, for the benefit of a roomful of inquisitive French ladies in curlers, as well as herself.

Me:      « C’est bizarre, mais nous avons un Restaurant Français au Pays de Galles? »
She:     « Bien sûr c’est bizarre! Vous avez les spécialités? » 
Me:      « Nous sommes située au bord de la mer, donc naturellement il y a beaucoup des poissons frais sur notre menu. »
She:     « Chapeau! Moi j’adore les poissons frais. »
Me:      « Et notre village à côté, s’appelle Conwy est très célèbre! »
She:     « C’est célèbre pourquoi? »
Me:      « Parce que nous avons les meilleures moules de la monde! »

At which point she dropped her scissors and went into an uncontrollable bout of the giggles as did the rest of the audience. When she eventually pulled herself together, she asked, « Donc pourquoi habitez-vous ici? » which was the signal for more howls of mirth all round.

It appears you see that Moules, although it means Mussels, is also widely used French slang for ladies naughty bits, so me saying that our village was famous for having the best in the world and her response of “What are you doing here then”, had them rolling in the aisles.

I have also to mention that at no time throughout this sad saga, was my wife any help at all, resolutely refusing to meet my panic stricken eyes and just sitting there with her hand over her mouth, shaking her head in disbelief. I absolutely promise you that not only did the above actually happen, but I was also right about Conwy Mussels. The ones we get here come mostly from Bouziques, in the étang de Thau, one of those shallow, salt water lagoons which run down the coast here, and they are far too salty. The Spanish ones are better, but still not a patch on the real thing.

You will need for 4 to 6 people:

A two kilo bag of mussels
A decent sized chopped onion
Two large cloves of garlic chopped fine
Olive oil for frying (Barbara uses butter)
Freshly ground pepper
Two handfuls of parsley and a sprig of fresh thyme
Two bottles of dry white wine, for me a good Muscadet sur lie is the only choice

You need a big sauce-pan with a lid. Put in a generous splash of olive oil and get the onions and garlic going on a low heat stirring occasionally to stop them catching. While the onions are softening, wash the mussels in clean water, pulling any bits of beard out and scraping off any barnacles. Put them in a deep pan of water and chuck out any that float to the top. If any are open, tap the shells and you will see them close. If they don’t, discard them also. Drain off the water and reserve.

When you are happy that the onions are properly cooked, add half the parsley, plenty of pepper and the thyme, together with a cup of water and a cup of wine. You will need a lot less water than you think because the fish will release a fair bit of sea water when they open, and for that reason, of course you shouldn’t need to add any salt. Now you can add the mussels, put the lid on and turn up the heat a bit for about five minutes during which you stir them up once or twice to make sure that they are all open. When they are open they’re ready, don’t overcook them or they’ll be like bullets. Serve them in deep bowls with the onion broth poured over them, the rest of the parsley sprinkled over and plenty of fresh crusty bread for dunking.

It goes without saying that you will have chilled the other bottle and three quarters of wine to perfection and this you should now drink, perhaps leaving a little for your guests.